Extracts from my Old Diary

The extracts are unedited/uncensored. Really.

31/01/2004

The month of January seems to have stagnated. The biting cold and intermittent rains have lowered down the temperatures. There's no better place than my warm bed and the common room. Right now, I am in a dilemma. I don't know what to do after my B.Tech degree. Of course, the first preference will be the campus selection. But I have a very strong desire to crack the CAT or the XAT.

01/02/2004

A great day as far as the quality of food. The day started off with "Chole Bhature" which was the best of all the breakfast items in the mess. The lunch was also pretty good. And for the dinner, dosa and a treat in GE were on the cards. Ritesh Parida and Rakesh Mallick were present to finance for the dinner. But, I couldn't digest all these things. You know what I am talking about. Pretty uncomfortable.

 03/02/2005

The results of Computer branch is out. Soon, our results will also be out. Sidharth's got quite a good percentage of 71.2%, the highest being that of Rachit Aggarwal's with 85.8%. These marks are elusive for our branch. The papers this time were very tough. So, I would be happy if I score some 70% or above. Most probably the results would be out tomorrow. A very long wait. I am waiting...

14/02/2004

The results are out. And I have got a mere 61%. That was well below my expectations. I was expecting around 65%. Terribly frustrated, I don't know what to do now. I have to get at-least 75% in this semester.

The next semester I got 63%. 

Ooops!!! Sorry...

People lose their cool all the time. So do I. I am generally believed to be a powerhouse of patience. People believe that I have loads of it. But the fact is, I don't have that much. :(

Well, yes, I do have a considerable amount it, but at some point I, too, run out of patience. I am only a human. And I am not perfect.

Anyway, Today, I want to say sorry to everyone at whom I was mad in the past. There are quite a handful of people. Friends, at home and at office. I honestly do feel that I should have exercised more caution then, and perhaps I could have handled those situations differently. At-least, I shouldn't have really shouted at them.

It's a little difficult, however, to keep your cool when people all around you behave crazy. When someone is pestering you, it really takes a lot of patience not to turn around and gag them or shout at them. Most of the time I am cautious. But at times, it gets out of control and hell breaks loose on them. Although I am not violent at all, but people seem to get scared or may be very very angry at me when I shout. It's probably because they don't expect me to retaliate ever. They probably feel like I am not the same person they knew, when I am mad at them.

There have been some instances in the past when I was mad and didn't react at all. Well, most of the times I am like that. Nobody wants to be angry. But sometimes, you have to react, voluntarily or in the spur of the moment. I do, however, at times, regret for my inaction when I should have just blasted off the other person, may be even killed them once and for all.

It isn't a big deal, though, if you can easily shrug off that feeling, and get back into a peaceful state of mind soon, when you could go over it again and decide for yourself if it was right on your part to behave the way you just did. It's perfectly normal to get mad at someone as long as you can ponder over it again and if required apologize for your behavior if you think you were wrong.

Well, I guess, this is not new. Everyone knows what anger can do to a relationship. Everyone also knows that ego is not really a good thing to have. That doesn't help in keeping your relationships if you have a short-temper. We tend to get angry on people frequently who are close to us. It doesn't really matter if you shout or not at a stranger or a person who you don't consider to be close to you. They are not an important part of your life. You are probably never going to meet that stranger again or won't have a life-time relationship with that acquaintance. But that doesn't mean that you could go on swearing and shouting at people on the roads. Your conscience will get to you for that sometime for sure.

Ah!!! I am just talking gibberish. Let's come straight to the point. People, again, I apologize to all of you on being rude or for getting mad at you. To make all those people feel a little better,

"I shout at those people who I consider close to me, hoping that they would understand why I did that"

By the way, Friendship day is round the corner. Those of you who are willing to revive the jagged threads of our friendsip, get ready. :) Happy Friendship Day in advance.

No more time, but have to wait

Well, looks like there is no more time left for me. Time would not allow me to do some things that should have been done in the past. Time has left the past behind and is just about to knock on the doors of the future. I cannot even feel the presence of time now. The “now” is already going into the past, so fast.

Hehe, forget time. I just wanted to relax from now on. Till Sunday, I have decided not to touch my still “untouched” books. And I am trying to relax. But, I am not able to figure out how to relax. What should I do to relax ? Even in my sleep, I have had some obnoxious dreams, dreams that were definitely not sweet. Dreams that made me sweat, dreams that woke me up at the oddest hours of the night, and deprived me of the adequate amount of sleep. For the last few days, I had been sleeping at very odd hours, sleeping for not more than 5 hours a day, though I over-slept for a few days. 

So, here comes the question. “What am I worried about ?”

I am not sure. I have never been sure. Frankly speaking, I don’t have any expectations from anything. Well, then, what am I worried about, if I don’t have any expectations? If I were to generalize, I would say, each and every action will always have a “Good” and a “Bad” outcome. Of-course, I don’t want the “Bad” outcome, nobody does, perhaps. But out of those two, who decides which is the “Good” one and which is the other? Probably, that is what I am worried about. 

I expect my journey of life to be one without much pain, but pleasure, without much losses, but gains, without much sorrow, but happiness, and I can see at-least two roads in-front of me. I can’t see beyond a certain point, and so don’t see my final destination. No one has even made a mark on any of them. There are no indications, directions or suggestions for the travelers. One of them seems to be a bit rough than the other. But, that’s what I can say about the two roads till the point that I can see. Beyond that point, its dark. these two roads are only meant for me. Other people will have their set of two or more roads. And it seems that I, now, I have to make the decision, to choose one out of the two. 

I feel like tossing the coin sometimes, since it seems the only way out. And, if I decide to choose one of them, I will never be able to come back into the past, and take the other one for a change. Perhaps, that is what is worrying me. But, the act of deciding seems to be not under my control. I feel that it has already been decided and my mind already knows which road I will take. But, somehow, my mind has stopped communicating with me. Though my mind knows which one I will be choosing, I am not aware of this decision. Perhaps, it’s not my mind actually. Perhaps, it is the roads, that have made my decisions. Perhaps, the road that I will be traveling on is the only real one, the other one being just an illusion. It probably doesn’t even exist.
This illusion, even if I am aware of it, still makes me wait at the crossroads, and contemplate. Isn’t it weird ? 

Perhaps, I should stop thinking any more, and wait till the illusion vanishes. I don’t know now, which one of them is the real one. I will wait till one of them disappears, and then, may be, I won’t be worried too much. I wouldn’t have any choice then, there wouldn’t be a decision to be made. Life would be so simple after that until another crossroad appears.

A day before that CAT, I am thinking all this ? Wow. Seems something terrible, or may be pleasant is waiting for me somewhere. Or may be, I at-last know:

                "Why People Call Me Psycho”